The last few weeks were tough. Besides beginning of the school year craziness, I watched my grandma die. I keep finding myself stopping in the middle of what I’m doing and wishing I could shut myself off so there are no more emotions or exhaustion or feeling like a thousand tabs are open at once in my brain.
Recently, I spent the night at my bestie’s house. We carried blankets and pillows down to the lawn and curled up on the damp grass. I wasn’t expecting to sleep very well, but I was wrong.
There was something about laying there with nothing to listen to but crickets and rustling leaves, occasional puffs of wind caressing my face, and stars for my ceiling. I thought about how vast the universe is. If I reached up, what infinite number of miles were beyond my fingertips?
And the God who created it cares for me. Me, with my faults and quirks and weirdness.
The only time I woke during the night was when it rained for about two minutes. We just lay there, laughing, the drops splashing on our faces but the rest of us warm and dry under our blankets.
I’m not even sure where I’m going with this. In the past weeks, I’ve learned what “blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” means. I guess I want to help others as I was helped. It’s not like the pain is any less. That’s not the point. God isn’t here to make our lives all unicorns and rainbows. He sustains. He holds my hand as we walk and carries me when I need it, letting me nuzzle my head in the crook of His shoulder. He gives me people who are there for me and stars to remind me He’s there, too. Always.
I know I’m not the only one struggling. There have been tornadoes, the death of friends, silence, and other things that may seem small in the grand scheme of life, but they’re still hard. Just know that I’m praying for each one of you. I’d hug you if you were here. Well, unless you’re not a hugger. ‘Cause hugs can be awkward. Just sayin’.